Love over 40
Current mood: amused
Being over 40 now, I thought about my mother who has been alone all of my life. I’m sure she wasn’t always alone or I wouldn’t have life, but for the most part, she and my father have been divorced all of my life. She was 35 when they split so that puts her in her 40’s when the realization that, hmmm this is it…hit.
My mother isn’t a liar, so yeah, I asked her if she ever dabbled over the line between friendship and intimacy during those years I was growing up, thinking my mother was a nun, you know, got nun, wanted nun and …
No, I have been celibate for forty years, was her answer and I believe her. Amazing though it may seem, however, I never saw a man in our house and none called on the phone or even sent a letter, so yes, my mother has been totally alone since she and my father called it halts.
So when I found myself January 1, 2000, divorced again, only this time at 40, my first thoughts about being alone woke me in a sweat.
At first I was so relieved to awaken fully dressed and sprawled out over the full width of my queen size bed. No longer did I have to share it with a naked man, insisting on holding the remote, talking about “Baby I need a burger,” at one in the morning, however, after the initial joy faded and I found myself annoyed at sweeping my own cracker crumbs from the sheets, I got to thinking, do I really enjoy being single.
No, I don’t…well, I don’t enjoy being ‘alone’, without the ‘man thing’ going on in my life. I miss the smell of a man in my bed, the feel of a man’s hands on my back, the size of a man’s shoes on my feet; yeah I get all the way into a man when I have one. I enjoy them…more than fish even better than having a cat or dog. Sometimes they are as messy as puppies and always trying to lick you on your mouth when you’re trying to talk to them about something important, like, why they left the mess by the door instead of letting you know they needed to go out, but you know what I mean. I miss ‘em.
But now, what would I be willing to trade in to get one? Okay, therein lays the problem…the trade. First, I have to wonder why I would have to give up or trade in or otherwise lose out on both the cake and eating it.
But that’s how it is with a man in your life. I had met a man once, like 2 years after my last divorce, back when I thought I could just fall back into this dating thing after having been married for 7 years, anyway, this man, in his late 30’s said “I’m looking for a woman like you.”
I asked, “And what kind of woman is that?”
He answered “An established woman, one who knows who she is.”
I, being excited at the possibility of having met someone so soon, was piqued. I was like, “Go on.”
And then he said, “Because I need to find myself I…”
I interrupted quickly and explained (with a lot of attitude in my tone, considering we were on a date and I was driving my car and getting ready to pay my money for the dinner—all of this was like, a BLAM, after this conversation and I took his butt home, dropped him off and shoot…wish I could remember his name) anyway I said, “I don’t need a man who is looking for anything, especially himself! I need a man who is already found.”
My mind immediately went to the stray dog thing…ugh, no way, they always show up so dirty. No…no, I’m at the white carpet point of my life…no more dirty dogs for me.
As an Author (and a very prolific one) I spend much time working on my craft—writing, editing, and just plain ol’ daydreaming. I’m not sure what kind of man could handle that. Well I guess if he was an author or otherwise self contained (tagged, bathed and house broken) he could manage to live without my hands-on care giving for a day or two and even find his way home if he got out. But if not, then we have issues. As with my grandchildren, they are in a constant ‘look at me’ mode and therefore I must stop and look…and often that causes a break in flow and leak of story fluidity. The bigger the child the longer you have to look and in the case of a MAN CHILD he may require all day! And I know, for me anyway, that is unacceptable.
Next we have that feeding issue, you feed a fish too much and they burst, you feed a dog too little and the start to eat out of the trash, you don’t feed a cat and they just up and leave…no notice what so ever. I hate the pressure. Always having to measure the portions and time the doling of ‘snacks’ just right…sheesh, that ‘feeding’ thing is, like, more than troublesome. I mean, I’m all for giving someone their ‘meal’ and I too enjoy a ‘tasty treat’ now and then but that threat of, “I will leave if I don’t get enough!” Well… I’ve never been fond of cats anyway.” (I hope you all were following me on this line of thought, if not—yes I was talking about sex)
Agree to disagree is one of the biggest lies in a relationship. Why do I say that, because nobody can agree on when and what to agree on. I mean, what part of the disagreement do you decide to agree on, his side or yours? Comeon, it’s a fake out thingy. Just when you think you’ve come to an agreement on the disagreement, you realize what you’ve agreed on is to accept the cold shoulder and silent treatment. For me, I’m totally fine with this silent thing nowadays, but back in my twenties and maybe even early thirties I was not cool with not being spoken to by the only other person who lived in the house with me.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking, what part of a relationship does she miss? I guess it’s the clothes, nah, I’m just kidding. I miss more than simply having a man’s clothing in my closet. What I miss is the vibe of the masculine aura around me. I miss the look, the touch, the laugher of a real man, a genuine smile that simply says ‘I like you a lot’.
The perpetual dating thing would work for me in my next marriage. I want a man who is confident enough to continue in the life he’s already got for himself only now he’s added me! Why take away from anything when you get with another person? Can’t I just be a wonderful addition to your life? Where you had holes I’m there to fill them.
Monogamy is not a question in my relationships. Monogamy doesn’t mean you can’t have friends of the opposite sex, it just means that now you don’t need to sleep with all of them looking for what I can now satisfy.
You chased your tail, bit at your fleas, slobbered on the ball which you retrieved time and time again (8-5 at least) and now all you want is a scratch behind the ear because nooo body does it like me (paw thumping like mad as I work my magic behind that ear). I want a man who knows his way home at night and is comfortable in his own bed with his own woman. I can’t have a man that I have to call more than once a day (and that one call was to simply remind him to grab something from the deli on the way home). I shouldn’t have to remind him all day, everyday, that we’re together! If his memory is that bad then heck, he needs medical attention not a wife.
Unless he met you at the ball park, chances are you are not a sports fan, and unless you answered an ad that said, ‘must love dogs’ which, to me, doesn’t say much about you as a potential mate (but then, I don’t love dogs), it would be dumb of him to suddenly give up those in his life who enjoy the things he enjoys and expect you to take their place.
Yeah, I want that man who is loyal and loving and yet, has a life that he really enjoys, one that he would love to tell me about at end of day! A well rounded man treats you like a woman, not his buddy, or his mother or just another female he may encounter on a daily basis. I may not be his best boon coon but I am his woman and he treats me accordingly. Face it, you may not be the prettiest woman he sees all week and if he doesn’t notice the one who was, he’s either lying or again, in need of medical attention—his eyes this time.
A well rounded man has a best friend (Who wants a man who doesn’t have any friends? What kind of person has NO friends?), he has a mother he adores, a father he respects and maybe some siblings he interacts with in a functional and healthy way but with you he should have an intimate companion, who he can be ‘real’ with on a level that is reserved only for the two of you—private and special. He wants the babies she can make for him or the ones she has already made (because they are a part of her) and she wants the babies she make from his seed or the babies he’s already made (because they are a part of him).
At this point in life there will be ex’s, they come with what is known as ‘life’ and if you two had lives, the ex’s will come. Like that line from that movie, which said, ‘If you build it they will come…’ life is like this if you divorce it, it will come back and HAUNT YOU when you lease expect or desire it too.
So I need a man who can handle an ex. I need a man who can easily accept that if I wanted those men, I could have them. He needs to have the confidence that he is a step UP not BACK and if he is smart and married me for my smarts that should be a no brainer for him.
If there is an ex Mrs., then whatever, she just better not send the kids over with the Play Doh because ‘you are gonna get it coming right back Miss Thang.’ I don’t play the Play Doh game (reference Blog on Editors and Play Doh). And as far as him returning to his ex or whatever, then he’s dumb…another medical problem.
Maybe I want too much out of my next relationship, I don’t know, but I don’t think so, I mean, I’m willing to do what it takes to keep love hot and alive, and I mean, at 40+ yeah, I have to put down the Doritos and pick up a better diet, and that kind of thing is expected in the dating game…best foot forward and all that jazz. I think it’s really stupid when I meet a man and he gets all crazy when he meet me and gets turned off that I’m carrying around a few pounds more than I should. I see it this way ‘weight comes off—stupid last a reallllly long time!’ And to lose out on what could be a really good thing over 20-30…okay just say it 40 pounds—well that’s STUPID! I love myself, I do, and I know I should treat myself better by eating as healthy as possible and devoting 4 to 6 hours a day to my external self, but realistically unless I marry Jack La Lane, cutting back on all that time in the mirror will be one of the first disagreements that I would be forced to agree with.
Because only one of you can have the LOOK AT ME thing going on and ladies I can tell you now, it isn’t gonna be YOU not at 40+ years old. What you got him to LOOK at before you got married better be what you come already equipped with, like Barbie; she COMES with everything she needs for the long haul! So if you are thick around the middle, lower or upper… heck just say it, if you are a BBW he needs to meet that person, because if you are big on the inside, and small on the outside, the big woman in you will come out! But having been small and big and small and big again I know that for the most part, the small woman in all of us just needs some love to stick around.
Shoot I’ve been known to drop 15 pounds instantly just getting kissed the right way.
In my mind, love is easier after 40 but in review of this article, I see that it could actually be in for quite the challenge. I’m not really sure I’m up too it, however, after 6 years of this ‘being along’ thing and the thought of facing the next 53 the same way, well, I’ve been rethinking stuff and maybe I can get ‘up for it’. Maybe I’m ready for the man who is confident enough to take off his shoes and step onto the white carpet of my life and enjoy the ride.
Oh and yeah, a little secret, my carpet flies. You just need to know the magic words.
© Michelle McGriff
